ever since i was a teenager, i have developed the most terrible self-destructive habit of living life vicariously through other people via internet. i suppose it doesn't help that i have always been a loner. ironically, i am probably not alone in my circumstance, but it is depressing nonetheless. i have always envied people with better clothes, nicer bodies, prettier faces, richer parents, more friends, supportive boyfriends, closer siblings; optimistic, motivated and successful people with amazing personalities. in short, people with better lives (or any life at all) than me.
sometimes i feel as if by blood, i am fated to this doomed attitude towards life. i try to avoid feeling this way, and try to be thankful often, but there come points when i have to sit myself down and get my shit together.
i think my ultimate weakness is low self-esteem (ie. low confidence, feeling inadequate, wallowing in self-pity, inability to persevere). and with low self-esteem comes sloth, paralyzing laziness and cowardice to try, to do, to live, to not be afraid of change, of pain, of hurt, of rejection, of getting in trouble, of truly learning that life goes on. to not be afraid of everything, but instead be courageous, however stupid.
there is no one to blame but myself. because i, alone, made my choices, and i, alone, will make my decisions. i am responsible for my actions and its consequences. i am the CEO of my life, and right now my company is nearing bankrupt (figuratively and literally), but i have hope...
i refer to this quote every now and then, and each time i find a different meaning.
“The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.”
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